[ It might as well be, but Sasuke's health results are pinnacle proof that things aren't okay, and. Well. Terry's expression and voice softens after Sasuke looks away. ]
... I'm glad that you're still here with us. I was so worried... I... I thought you were going to die for good.
[ Yeah, Terry can tell. Honestly, he was very close to storming over to Joker on the fourth night in sheer rage upon seeing Sasuke's corpse, but he held himself back. ]
[His voice is low and quiet, still not looking at Terry.]
...I'm not good at this kind of stuff. I should have left it to someone else.
[But his self loathing is such that he can't even be relieved to find that he was correct in thinking that talking isn't his forte, because that just circles right around to useless again, and boy has he felt useless, useless, useless for the entire start of the year.]
[ This situation feels a little familiar. It reminds him of when he had problems with expectations pre-update. ]
... I'm sorry.
[ He says it again. ]
We put so much expectations on you all at once. But Sasuke, Joker... was a fighter. I don't think he could be persuaded by any of us. I don't know how things were like between you two, but you tried your hardest... and you wanted Akira to come back, didn't you?
[It comes out sharp, but he falls silent for a moment after, trying to rein those feelings in again.]
...Trying your hardest isn't always enough. I talked big about hopes and dreams, and I'm already failing.
[And he hates it so, so much, because failure has been his entire life, and feeling like he might have even a little bit of a handle on things was so clearly a mistake.]
[ Terry keeps calm, even from Sasuke's sudden outburst. ]
... It's hard. I know, Sasuke. You think you're failing, but at least you took the step forward. Sometimes that's more than what most people can do, and willing to do for their hopes and dreams. I... made a resolution.
[ A weak smile is on his face. ]
I said that I won't lose hope in things that matter. You matter. I'll never stop believing in you.
Sometimes when you're stuck, it's fine to sit back and think about it for a while. Solutions are always hard to find, and we always want to solve problems right away, but that's not how it works. Even chipping away bits at a time works well in the long run. For Akira's Shadow, it's really up to Akira whether he wants to come back. I hope he will... and I bet whatever you said helped him even if things ended up like this.
Trying your best...and never succeeding on something that you thought you were good at really takes a toll on you. I thought I was good at fighting and that's all I had, so I clung onto it. There are always more above me, and I was always one of the weakest back home. All I had going for me was that I couldn't die. I got up after every near death experience and tried again and again... and again.
... You'll always have me, someone whose existence was widely deemed a failure by many a month after being made. Please... keep your hopes close to your heart.
[ It's so easy to blame this on Yuusuke, but Terry wants to think that there are other factors too, aside from a shitty brother that stunted everything as Sasuke grew up. He makes his gaze steady at Sasuke, quiet, but urging him to continue if he looks his way again. ]
[He goes silent again, still not looking at Terry, too lost in his own head. His mood's been rotten for a while now, it feels - a new year is supposed to be a fresh start, but that doesn't stop the deaths from hanging over him, the sick from continuing to be sick...
It would be entirely reasonable to assume he's done - except then he does speak again, voice soft.]
It was after she died. Our mom. I couldn't win anymore after that.
[Everything seemed to spiral after that, and it doesn't feel like it ever really stopped. Slowed at times, maybe. But never stopped.]
[ Terry doesn't know what having parents are like. Despite being one, he can't seem to relate. But he understands that Sasuke's mother was an important person to him. If he couldn't win anymore after that... maybe against Yuusuke? Everything else, maybe? It must have been crushing enough to affect his psyche permanently. ]
[ Hm. That explains a lot regarding Sasuke's actions the other week when they were going around collecting plants. He can only imagine how stressed Sasuke must be right now, to have this sort of reminder of shoved into his face. Terry is also living it by being scorned by the townspeople, but Sasuke isn't him. He's Sasuke. People handle things differently. ]
It would be nice if an omnipotent kind person could solve all our problems.
[ Despite having pinpointing, Terry doesn't consider himself omnipotent. He's far, far, far from it despite being the clone of a demigod. There has been times when he wished he could be. ]
But none of us are like that. We have limitations. The reason why you try your best despite things stacked against you is because you won't have any regrets regardless of the results. There are always things that we can't get over no matter what, but... at least you can say that you tried.
... Remember what they said about the plant, Sasuke? It's not a cure. It only slows the sickness. You got the plants for them. That's really all you could have done. Why do you have regret over things you can't control?
[ It's not that Terry doesn't understand what Sasuke is saying, but he doesn't think that way of thinking is good for Sasuke, or for anybody. ]
[It really is, and it's telling that he doesn't have an immediate answer to Terry's question, that he still refuses to meet his gaze.]
...There's too may problems that come back to me.
[Maybe it's a specter of Yuusuke that remains with him still, as much as he wants to think he doesn't believe a word out of his mouth, doesn't let his brother's constant abuse affect him. But at the end of the day, it's still so easy to believe--
[ Terry doesn't say it out of curiosity, but he hopes that if he makes Sasuke say it,they'll be a little more finalized. He thinks that there is a difference between only thinking about something and saying it to someone. ]
[There's a long pause once more, because what Terry thinks is right.
But it's also what makes it so hard to say it in the first place.]
...The medicine. The stuff with Fukuta wouldn't have happened if it weren't for me. And it wouldn't have escalated if Yuusuke didn't resent me enough to use her to get to me.
[And as for why Yuusuke resented him... that's probably his fault too.]
[ Terry frowns and stares down at him. He pauses for a second before reaching out with both hands to cup Sasuke's cheeks to turn his head to look at him. ]
Are you gonna ignore all the other people that you helped? If you didn't get any plants in the first place, all those other townspeople would have died or fell into a coma already.
[ He keeps his hold on Sasuke's face, but not roughly. ]
Everybody makes mistakes. Sometimes those mistakes will have a big impact on someone else. And whatever Yuusuke chooses to do is his own choice. There's nothing to blame you for just because he chooses to act out. What he does is his choice, not yours. There is no way to live life without affecting anyone else.
Again, that's not your fault. What Yuusuke chooses to do has nothing to do with you. It's his choice. It's his choice to be a douchebag. He could always just not do it, but he chose to do it anyway.
[ Terry wipes the wet trail on Sasuke's face with his thumb. ]
Be kinder to yourself... it's always easy to look at the negative side of things and let it affect you, but it's getting through them, learning from your mistakes, is what matters more. Don't tell me you got all the way here just to think like this again. It's not impossible for things to change about yourself, Sasuke... as long as you allow yourself to.
[It's hard to move with his face being held, but he's still trying to blink back the tears.]
I don't... even remember the last time I cried.
[It's a little sullen. Reaching the point of tears like this after so many years of explicitly trying not to, one of the few acts of rebellion he had against his family, against Yuusuke.
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With an annoyed expression, he looks away.]
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... I'm glad that you're still here with us. I was so worried... I... I thought you were going to die for good.
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I tried talking to Akira. It went badly.
[Understatement.]
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... It didn't go well for me either. I'm sorry.
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...I'm not good at this kind of stuff. I should have left it to someone else.
[But his self loathing is such that he can't even be relieved to find that he was correct in thinking that talking isn't his forte, because that just circles right around to useless again, and boy has he felt useless, useless, useless for the entire start of the year.]
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... I'm sorry.
[ He says it again. ]
We put so much expectations on you all at once. But Sasuke, Joker... was a fighter. I don't think he could be persuaded by any of us. I don't know how things were like between you two, but you tried your hardest... and you wanted Akira to come back, didn't you?
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[It comes out sharp, but he falls silent for a moment after, trying to rein those feelings in again.]
...Trying your hardest isn't always enough. I talked big about hopes and dreams, and I'm already failing.
[And he hates it so, so much, because failure has been his entire life, and feeling like he might have even a little bit of a handle on things was so clearly a mistake.]
I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
[What is he even good for?]
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... It's hard. I know, Sasuke. You think you're failing, but at least you took the step forward. Sometimes that's more than what most people can do, and willing to do for their hopes and dreams. I... made a resolution.
[ A weak smile is on his face. ]
I said that I won't lose hope in things that matter. You matter. I'll never stop believing in you.
Sometimes when you're stuck, it's fine to sit back and think about it for a while. Solutions are always hard to find, and we always want to solve problems right away, but that's not how it works. Even chipping away bits at a time works well in the long run. For Akira's Shadow, it's really up to Akira whether he wants to come back. I hope he will... and I bet whatever you said helped him even if things ended up like this.
Trying your best...and never succeeding on something that you thought you were good at really takes a toll on you. I thought I was good at fighting and that's all I had, so I clung onto it. There are always more above me, and I was always one of the weakest back home. All I had going for me was that I couldn't die. I got up after every near death experience and tried again and again... and again.
... You'll always have me, someone whose existence was widely deemed a failure by many a month after being made. Please... keep your hopes close to your heart.
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I wasn't always-- like this. I didn't always fail.
[Maybe that's why it hurts so much. He used to do better.
Why did that stop?]
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It would be entirely reasonable to assume he's done - except then he does speak again, voice soft.]
It was after she died. Our mom. I couldn't win anymore after that.
[Everything seemed to spiral after that, and it doesn't feel like it ever really stopped. Slowed at times, maybe. But never stopped.]
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... Was it sudden?
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It...
She got sick.
Really, really sick. Like the people here.
[So, sudden in some ways. Agonizing in others.]
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It would be nice if an omnipotent kind person could solve all our problems.
[ Despite having pinpointing, Terry doesn't consider himself omnipotent. He's far, far, far from it despite being the clone of a demigod. There has been times when he wished he could be. ]
But none of us are like that. We have limitations. The reason why you try your best despite things stacked against you is because you won't have any regrets regardless of the results. There are always things that we can't get over no matter what, but... at least you can say that you tried.
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[Even when he tries his best...]
Maybe if we used them for Kokichi, Ryoji, and Atsushi instead, they'd still be alive.
[But the townspeople needed it more, he'd thought.]
My best isn't enough.
[It never is.]
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[ It's not that Terry doesn't understand what Sasuke is saying, but he doesn't think that way of thinking is good for Sasuke, or for anybody. ]
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...There's too may problems that come back to me.
[Maybe it's a specter of Yuusuke that remains with him still, as much as he wants to think he doesn't believe a word out of his mouth, doesn't let his brother's constant abuse affect him. But at the end of the day, it's still so easy to believe--
"Stupid Sasuke. Why don't you ever learn?"
"This is all your fault."]
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[ Terry doesn't say it out of curiosity, but he hopes that if he makes Sasuke say it,they'll be a little more finalized. He thinks that there is a difference between only thinking about something and saying it to someone. ]
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But it's also what makes it so hard to say it in the first place.]
...The medicine. The stuff with Fukuta wouldn't have happened if it weren't for me. And it wouldn't have escalated if Yuusuke didn't resent me enough to use her to get to me.
[And as for why Yuusuke resented him... that's probably his fault too.]
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[ Terry frowns and stares down at him. He pauses for a second before reaching out with both hands to cup Sasuke's cheeks to turn his head to look at him. ]
Are you gonna ignore all the other people that you helped? If you didn't get any plants in the first place, all those other townspeople would have died or fell into a coma already.
[ He keeps his hold on Sasuke's face, but not roughly. ]
Everybody makes mistakes. Sometimes those mistakes will have a big impact on someone else. And whatever Yuusuke chooses to do is his own choice. There's nothing to blame you for just because he chooses to act out. What he does is his choice, not yours. There is no way to live life without affecting anyone else.
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It's going to become quickly evident that he was crying a little. There's a wet trail from the corner of one eye to the side of his face.]
But... if I didn't mess with Yuusuke, he wouldn't have gotten angry enough to mess with her to get back at me.
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[ Terry wipes the wet trail on Sasuke's face with his thumb. ]
Be kinder to yourself... it's always easy to look at the negative side of things and let it affect you, but it's getting through them, learning from your mistakes, is what matters more. Don't tell me you got all the way here just to think like this again. It's not impossible for things to change about yourself, Sasuke... as long as you allow yourself to.
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Am I... really able to change?
[It doesn't feel like it.]
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[ Terry smiles a little, warm and gentle. ]
You can. Also, it's okay to cry. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
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I don't... even remember the last time I cried.
[It's a little sullen. Reaching the point of tears like this after so many years of explicitly trying not to, one of the few acts of rebellion he had against his family, against Yuusuke.
...But then again, neither are here, are they?]
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